I don't understand why some people have to go through hell. Why does a woman who I know would be a great mother, not get to have a baby. Why must she suffer loss? It is times like these that I believe are not "God's Will" as some would say, but just the science of our bodies. It is just something that happens. God didn't plan it. It just is. Because I cannot fathom a reason why God would do something to a person.
I know I'm not supposed to question God. I just can't understand this thing that is happening to someone I love. Why her? What is the reason that she doesn't has to suffer loss over and over again. I would give up my ability to have more children just for her to get the child she deserves.
Loss is a difficult thing to understand. The universe is so cruel. What is the point? And why am I so affected by this? This wasn't my loss to suffer, yet I can't shake this sadness.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Friday, October 10, 2014
Surviving is not living.
Someone said something in class a few days ago and I've been stewing over it since then. She said, "A person can actually survive on minimum wage just without any luxuries." I have a few problems with this statement. I haven't looked at the facts and figures so this is mostly speculation. I am sure that a single person with no kids could survive on minimum wage and if they budget right then they may even be able to afford some small luxuries. But many minimum wage jobs are not full time. Which means even less money so they would have to do without luxury. But I think it's a shame to expect someone to just spend their life surviving. Surviving is not living. Everyone should have the chance to enjoy things. Just because a person is in a less than ideal situation, doesn't mean they should have to live everyday to work.
Now, a lot of people working for minimum wage have children. If it's a family with two parents and both are working then surviving is a little bit easier but if one of those parents aren't working or if it's a single parent family then that one income is not enough. Because where are the children while the parent is working? If they're lucky then they may have friends or family that can babysit for little to no money. But many people are not that lucky and have to resort to childcare. Day care centers are expensive. Some will work with your income and there are vouchers available from the government but this isn't always enough. Day care far exceeds the income of a minimum wage worker whether or not they are working a full 40 hours. Usually in this income bracket, the family is able to get food stamps but I know from experience that is takes a lot of budgeting and planning to make those food stamps last. And some people will not ask for food stamps because these days there's a negative view on anyone who gets them. They are perceived as lazy even if they work their butts off just to get by. Some people are at a low point in their lives and are just trying to work their way out. Some people don't see food stamps has a permanent things, just a temporary means of survival until they can work their way to a better situation. Some people don't have parents that could help put them through college right out of high school. Some people have to work and fight for it for themselves.
I am going to assume that the young lady who made the statement about minimum wage has never had to struggle on her own. It's not as easy as one would think. And working a low paying job should mean a person is less human and doesn't need "luxuries". What about a car to get to that job? Does she even know how much a car costs? Even a used one might be out of the price range of a minimum wage worker. Is a car a luxury? Is a phone a luxury? Power? Running water? Rent? These are things that a minimum wage worker struggles to pay. Even in a crappy neighborhood where rent is cheap, it's still difficult to afford on minimum wage. I'm sure minimum wage is set the way it is to encourage people to work towards a better life. But for some, it is their only way of life for a long period of time. The best way to make more money is to get a degree (sometimes even that doesn't help) but to get a degree one must go to college. College is expensive. Financial aid doesn't always cover all of it. An if a person is struggling to pay rent, how can you expect them to pay for college to get out of their situation?
As you can tell, my little rant here is very stream of conscious. I would love to have a more organized formal writing with actual researched figures but this was on my mind and I felt like I needed to just let it all out. Feel free to argue or agree with me.
Now, a lot of people working for minimum wage have children. If it's a family with two parents and both are working then surviving is a little bit easier but if one of those parents aren't working or if it's a single parent family then that one income is not enough. Because where are the children while the parent is working? If they're lucky then they may have friends or family that can babysit for little to no money. But many people are not that lucky and have to resort to childcare. Day care centers are expensive. Some will work with your income and there are vouchers available from the government but this isn't always enough. Day care far exceeds the income of a minimum wage worker whether or not they are working a full 40 hours. Usually in this income bracket, the family is able to get food stamps but I know from experience that is takes a lot of budgeting and planning to make those food stamps last. And some people will not ask for food stamps because these days there's a negative view on anyone who gets them. They are perceived as lazy even if they work their butts off just to get by. Some people are at a low point in their lives and are just trying to work their way out. Some people don't see food stamps has a permanent things, just a temporary means of survival until they can work their way to a better situation. Some people don't have parents that could help put them through college right out of high school. Some people have to work and fight for it for themselves.
I am going to assume that the young lady who made the statement about minimum wage has never had to struggle on her own. It's not as easy as one would think. And working a low paying job should mean a person is less human and doesn't need "luxuries". What about a car to get to that job? Does she even know how much a car costs? Even a used one might be out of the price range of a minimum wage worker. Is a car a luxury? Is a phone a luxury? Power? Running water? Rent? These are things that a minimum wage worker struggles to pay. Even in a crappy neighborhood where rent is cheap, it's still difficult to afford on minimum wage. I'm sure minimum wage is set the way it is to encourage people to work towards a better life. But for some, it is their only way of life for a long period of time. The best way to make more money is to get a degree (sometimes even that doesn't help) but to get a degree one must go to college. College is expensive. Financial aid doesn't always cover all of it. An if a person is struggling to pay rent, how can you expect them to pay for college to get out of their situation?
As you can tell, my little rant here is very stream of conscious. I would love to have a more organized formal writing with actual researched figures but this was on my mind and I felt like I needed to just let it all out. Feel free to argue or agree with me.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Life is a duty, complete it
This has been a drawn out process but I am determined to complete this task. Today I am tackling "Life is a duty, complete it".
I feel I have a duty to myself and whoever might actually be reading this to complete this little assignment of getting through this quote.
My biggest goal right now is getting through school. It's my first semester at UNCC. I graduated from Gaston in 2011. That's kind of a big gap of time to be jumping back in and I am finding myself getting overwhelmed already. That's pretty bad considering I've only been there for a month. But I am really trying to focus and stay on top of things. But one thing that has surprised me is how difficult this has been with Izzy. I thought it would be easier with a six year old than it was with a newborn when I started at Gaston. I am finding it hard to sit down and focus because my child seems to think that I am her servant. It's pretty much constant interruptions. She wants me to get things for her. Instead of drinking a Capri Sun, she wants something that I would have to pour in a glass for her. She doesn't want anything to eat when I ask her but as soon as I sit down to do something, she's ready for food. And I'm not one to publicly bash people on social media but her dad doesn't help out a whole lot. Mostly his excuse is work and sleep. But now he has a girlfriend so she takes up some of his time too. I often hear from him that he's too tired or too busy to keep Izzy for longer than about an hour or so a few days a week. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter. Apparently I am super mom and can do it all without every feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I so wish that were true. I will gladly spend every minute of everyday taking care of my daughter even if it means I don't get anything for myself. No time for a relationship, no time to focus on my weight loss like I should. No time to just sit and relax with no interruptions. I barely even have time for homework. But that's not as important as a job because I don't get paid to go to school. Right?
This is my life and I accept it the way it is. But it sure would be nice to get a real break every now and then. But I seem to be digressing. So to get back on track, school is my duty and I am determined to complete it. I don't wanna give up. I hope I have the willpower to stick with it. My life will not be complete until I can call myself a teacher. I also want to find someone and get married and maybe have another kid or two. I don't feel like that's asking too much. So hopefully I will be deemed worthy enough to obtain my goals. I don't wanna look back on my life with more regrets.
I feel I have a duty to myself and whoever might actually be reading this to complete this little assignment of getting through this quote.
My biggest goal right now is getting through school. It's my first semester at UNCC. I graduated from Gaston in 2011. That's kind of a big gap of time to be jumping back in and I am finding myself getting overwhelmed already. That's pretty bad considering I've only been there for a month. But I am really trying to focus and stay on top of things. But one thing that has surprised me is how difficult this has been with Izzy. I thought it would be easier with a six year old than it was with a newborn when I started at Gaston. I am finding it hard to sit down and focus because my child seems to think that I am her servant. It's pretty much constant interruptions. She wants me to get things for her. Instead of drinking a Capri Sun, she wants something that I would have to pour in a glass for her. She doesn't want anything to eat when I ask her but as soon as I sit down to do something, she's ready for food. And I'm not one to publicly bash people on social media but her dad doesn't help out a whole lot. Mostly his excuse is work and sleep. But now he has a girlfriend so she takes up some of his time too. I often hear from him that he's too tired or too busy to keep Izzy for longer than about an hour or so a few days a week. Apparently how I feel doesn't matter. Apparently I am super mom and can do it all without every feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I so wish that were true. I will gladly spend every minute of everyday taking care of my daughter even if it means I don't get anything for myself. No time for a relationship, no time to focus on my weight loss like I should. No time to just sit and relax with no interruptions. I barely even have time for homework. But that's not as important as a job because I don't get paid to go to school. Right?
This is my life and I accept it the way it is. But it sure would be nice to get a real break every now and then. But I seem to be digressing. So to get back on track, school is my duty and I am determined to complete it. I don't wanna give up. I hope I have the willpower to stick with it. My life will not be complete until I can call myself a teacher. I also want to find someone and get married and maybe have another kid or two. I don't feel like that's asking too much. So hopefully I will be deemed worthy enough to obtain my goals. I don't wanna look back on my life with more regrets.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Life is a challenge... again
It's been awhile and I know I need to be on the next line, "Life is a duty, complete it" but I need to go back to "Life is a challenge".
Apparently it is damn near impossible for me to find a job because I am a mom. I have missed several opportunities of work because the hours doesn't work around my schedule with Izzy. If I were a selfish person I would ask her dad to change jobs so I could work the shifts that are offered to me. But I'm not, I've always let other people come before myself. I am not as important as everyone else around me. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. That is my place in life and probably always will be.
And while we're on the subject of challenges, let me talk a minute about this weight loss. I am trying my best to do this on my own but I am too weak. A few weeks ago I had an opportunity to audition for The Biggest Loser and missed out on it because, again, I was worried about other people. I could send in a video, if I haven't missed the deadline. But have I got around to doing that? No. I need to change. I want to change. People say if you want something bad enough you will do what you can to get it. Apparently I'm the exception. I want things badly, so badly that it makes me cry. And yet still I haven't obtained those things.
Life craps on me everyday. And everyday I think tomorrow will be better. So I wait. And I wait. But tomorrow hasn't come yet.
Apparently it is damn near impossible for me to find a job because I am a mom. I have missed several opportunities of work because the hours doesn't work around my schedule with Izzy. If I were a selfish person I would ask her dad to change jobs so I could work the shifts that are offered to me. But I'm not, I've always let other people come before myself. I am not as important as everyone else around me. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. That is my place in life and probably always will be.
And while we're on the subject of challenges, let me talk a minute about this weight loss. I am trying my best to do this on my own but I am too weak. A few weeks ago I had an opportunity to audition for The Biggest Loser and missed out on it because, again, I was worried about other people. I could send in a video, if I haven't missed the deadline. But have I got around to doing that? No. I need to change. I want to change. People say if you want something bad enough you will do what you can to get it. Apparently I'm the exception. I want things badly, so badly that it makes me cry. And yet still I haven't obtained those things.
Life craps on me everyday. And everyday I think tomorrow will be better. So I wait. And I wait. But tomorrow hasn't come yet.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Life is a challenge, meet it.
So I got a little slack on doing these blog post. In case anyone is following along (yeah right) or is new to reading my posts, here is a refresher. I am trying to be more positive in my life and have found this wonderful quote from Mother Teresa. So basically I am taking each line and writing about my experiences/goals/thoughts/etc on them. Today I am on the fourth line. Life is a challenge, meet it.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
There have been many challenges in my life, especially the last few years. I had Izzy while I was going to Gaston College. This is why it took me 3 years to finish a 2 year degree. Since then, I have done nothing with it. Work has been a challenge for me. I've worked retail before and it's not so bad. However I have issues with social anxiety. It's not officially diagnosed but it's pretty darn obvious that I have it. I'm not good at handling confrontation. I don't always know what to say to an irate customer. And if I made a mistake at the expense of a customer, well I just don't want to think about that (major anxiety). This is also why I can't work in the food industry.
So, there's warehouse work, which I very much enjoy. I like being behind the scenes. The problem there is that something always seems to happen that leads to me having to quit. Like my most favorite job, Hanesbrands. I loved that job but it was second shift, so when Izzy started school, I quit. I couldn't stand the idea of her being at school all day and then me going to work all evening when she's home. Plus I would have had to find someone to pick her up. I don't have a lot of options there. And then there's my last job at Actavis. This was a great job. And it was 3rd shift so it seemed it was gonna work out well for me. No need for a babysitter (just a very sleepy Jadah). But then Izzy's dad had to go and lose his job then find another working 2nd shift (which was more like 3rd because he worked 12 hours a lot). Well, that wasn't gonna work because I didn't want to have to leave Izzy with someone every night, especially with school starting back up. So here I am, jobless again.
Like I said, I don't like confrontation so I ended up leaving those jobs in a not so professional way. This combined with the short time periods of work, make for a crappy resume. So I tried my hand at self-employment. I made flyers for tutoring and I thought for sure it was gonna work. These flyers looked amazing. But, no such luck. And since I'm babysitting, there's not much time in there for tutoring anyways. So, I tried Avon. I've done okay with it so far but I don't have a very big network besides family so it's tough to get started. Plus, no one seems to want to help a poor mother out. So, my latest venture is crochet. I'm pretty good at it and think I can get better. But it's slow to start as well. But if I stick with it, I think I can make it work. People like handmade things. But that's still not gonna be enough to live off of. Now I need to decide if I want to work fulltime and possibly have to find someone to take/pick Izzy up from school or find something I can work while Izzy is at school (but that's not a lot of hours).
I guess it's safe to say that work/money is my biggest challenge in life. And boy is it a big one. It doesn't help that I'm stubborn. I don't want to ask for help. I've already gotten help from my parents and I feel just awful for it. I know they don't mind. I know it probably makes them feel good that they're able to help their kids out. But I just hate having to ask. I'm 26 years old, I should have things mostly figured out by now. Maybe if five years ago I would have decided to end this bad relationship, I would have had some things figured out. But no, I'm stubborn and stuck with it thinking things would get better. Guess what, they didn't. That was a lesson learned the hard way. But again, I am stuck because of the whole finding a job thing and the being too stubborn to ask for help thing.
Well this was not a positive post at all so let's try to fix that. This year (oh no a resolution), I will do everything I can to make my life better. I will not give up until I am happy (or at least happier) with my life. I'm a good person and I know I deserve better than what I've got going on now. I won't blame another person's mistreatment of me for being the cause of my laziness and procrastination. It's my life, I should choose the way I want it to be. I will no longer waste my days away waiting for something better to come to me. I will make it happen!
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
There have been many challenges in my life, especially the last few years. I had Izzy while I was going to Gaston College. This is why it took me 3 years to finish a 2 year degree. Since then, I have done nothing with it. Work has been a challenge for me. I've worked retail before and it's not so bad. However I have issues with social anxiety. It's not officially diagnosed but it's pretty darn obvious that I have it. I'm not good at handling confrontation. I don't always know what to say to an irate customer. And if I made a mistake at the expense of a customer, well I just don't want to think about that (major anxiety). This is also why I can't work in the food industry.
So, there's warehouse work, which I very much enjoy. I like being behind the scenes. The problem there is that something always seems to happen that leads to me having to quit. Like my most favorite job, Hanesbrands. I loved that job but it was second shift, so when Izzy started school, I quit. I couldn't stand the idea of her being at school all day and then me going to work all evening when she's home. Plus I would have had to find someone to pick her up. I don't have a lot of options there. And then there's my last job at Actavis. This was a great job. And it was 3rd shift so it seemed it was gonna work out well for me. No need for a babysitter (just a very sleepy Jadah). But then Izzy's dad had to go and lose his job then find another working 2nd shift (which was more like 3rd because he worked 12 hours a lot). Well, that wasn't gonna work because I didn't want to have to leave Izzy with someone every night, especially with school starting back up. So here I am, jobless again.
Like I said, I don't like confrontation so I ended up leaving those jobs in a not so professional way. This combined with the short time periods of work, make for a crappy resume. So I tried my hand at self-employment. I made flyers for tutoring and I thought for sure it was gonna work. These flyers looked amazing. But, no such luck. And since I'm babysitting, there's not much time in there for tutoring anyways. So, I tried Avon. I've done okay with it so far but I don't have a very big network besides family so it's tough to get started. Plus, no one seems to want to help a poor mother out. So, my latest venture is crochet. I'm pretty good at it and think I can get better. But it's slow to start as well. But if I stick with it, I think I can make it work. People like handmade things. But that's still not gonna be enough to live off of. Now I need to decide if I want to work fulltime and possibly have to find someone to take/pick Izzy up from school or find something I can work while Izzy is at school (but that's not a lot of hours).
I guess it's safe to say that work/money is my biggest challenge in life. And boy is it a big one. It doesn't help that I'm stubborn. I don't want to ask for help. I've already gotten help from my parents and I feel just awful for it. I know they don't mind. I know it probably makes them feel good that they're able to help their kids out. But I just hate having to ask. I'm 26 years old, I should have things mostly figured out by now. Maybe if five years ago I would have decided to end this bad relationship, I would have had some things figured out. But no, I'm stubborn and stuck with it thinking things would get better. Guess what, they didn't. That was a lesson learned the hard way. But again, I am stuck because of the whole finding a job thing and the being too stubborn to ask for help thing.
Well this was not a positive post at all so let's try to fix that. This year (oh no a resolution), I will do everything I can to make my life better. I will not give up until I am happy (or at least happier) with my life. I'm a good person and I know I deserve better than what I've got going on now. I won't blame another person's mistreatment of me for being the cause of my laziness and procrastination. It's my life, I should choose the way I want it to be. I will no longer waste my days away waiting for something better to come to me. I will make it happen!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a dream, realize it. This line is important to me. I'm a big fan of dreams. Night and day. I almost always have crazy, random, weird dreams at night. Lately I've had a little trouble remembering them I think because I'm always being jolted out of sleep by an alarm in the morning. But I really need to keep a notebook by the bed so I can write down what I remember. Some of these dreams would be a great start to a good book. And it is my dream to be a writer. I also daydream a lot. I imagine different scenarios of things I would like to happen. I suppose those would be a good way to start a book as well.
I have other dreams (goals) as well. I want to be a teacher, photographer, master crafter. Yes I have lots of dreams. The problem is that I haven't realized any of those dreams. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a place where I'm close to obtaining my goals but I can't seem to move forward any further. I'm letting things hold me back and I know I shouldn't. I usually get these burst of motivation and I start getting things figured out and I think I'm finally gonna get to where I want to be but then I'm usually stuck waiting for something. For example, I've started my application for UNC-Charlotte but I can't complete it at the moment. For some reason, even though I'm 26 and haven't lived with my parents for 5 years, the application asks for their information. So I'm waiting to get all that info together. Of course I'm only waiting because of my own procrastination. But I know once I get the application done I will again have to wait until I have the money for the application fee. I'm not sure what it is now but I'm guessing more than $50 since that's what it was a few years ago when I was going to apply. I don't why I let something as simple as applying to college get me overwhelmed. But that's just how I am. Always sweating the small stuff.
When I was younger and dreaming about what I wanted for my life, I never dreamed I would be where I am now: 26 years old, out of high school for 9 years and all I have to show for it is an AA degree and no job. I guess the only dream I have realized is having a child. But even that isn't exactly what I expected. I always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids and I didn't want a huge age gap. But my kid is 5 years (and 3 months) old and I don't see any babies in my immediate future. I still want more kids, I just can't justify having one right now , with the state of my relationship. Plus, there's some things about myself that I need to work on.
So, if you're a young person reading this, learn from my mistakes. Don't put anything off. If you have dreams, follow them. Don't stop until you reach your goal. And even then, keep going. Update your goal. Always strive for something. It'll make life worth living. You will get discouraged, maybe many times. But keep going, you will get there if you keep trying.
I have other dreams (goals) as well. I want to be a teacher, photographer, master crafter. Yes I have lots of dreams. The problem is that I haven't realized any of those dreams. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a place where I'm close to obtaining my goals but I can't seem to move forward any further. I'm letting things hold me back and I know I shouldn't. I usually get these burst of motivation and I start getting things figured out and I think I'm finally gonna get to where I want to be but then I'm usually stuck waiting for something. For example, I've started my application for UNC-Charlotte but I can't complete it at the moment. For some reason, even though I'm 26 and haven't lived with my parents for 5 years, the application asks for their information. So I'm waiting to get all that info together. Of course I'm only waiting because of my own procrastination. But I know once I get the application done I will again have to wait until I have the money for the application fee. I'm not sure what it is now but I'm guessing more than $50 since that's what it was a few years ago when I was going to apply. I don't why I let something as simple as applying to college get me overwhelmed. But that's just how I am. Always sweating the small stuff.
When I was younger and dreaming about what I wanted for my life, I never dreamed I would be where I am now: 26 years old, out of high school for 9 years and all I have to show for it is an AA degree and no job. I guess the only dream I have realized is having a child. But even that isn't exactly what I expected. I always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids and I didn't want a huge age gap. But my kid is 5 years (and 3 months) old and I don't see any babies in my immediate future. I still want more kids, I just can't justify having one right now , with the state of my relationship. Plus, there's some things about myself that I need to work on.
So, if you're a young person reading this, learn from my mistakes. Don't put anything off. If you have dreams, follow them. Don't stop until you reach your goal. And even then, keep going. Update your goal. Always strive for something. It'll make life worth living. You will get discouraged, maybe many times. But keep going, you will get there if you keep trying.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Life is beauty, admire it.
"Life is beauty, admire it"
That's the second line in the Mother Teresa quote.
Lately there's been a lot of ugly in my life. But I do try to enjoy the beauty. I dream of being a photographer. I often look around at things and try to imagine taking gorgeous pictures. Things like trees, flowers, the sky. I look at my daughter a lot too. She's the most beautiful thing in my life. I've also witnessed the beauty of new life recently. My cat just had kittens a day or two ago. I've never been that close to a newborn animal. They are so precious.
Life is supposed to be a beautiful thing but recently I've had a lot to bring me down. I've always had issues in my relationship. But these last few days have been rough on me. I won't go into detail about what's going on but it's basically leaving me feeling worthless and unmotivated. Instead of having someone hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok, I get put down even more. I'm so confused and sad (more like downright depressed but I'm not gonna diagnose myself). I don't know why it's this bad this time around. I guess when it happens so often it eventually wears you down until you just can't take it anymore. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. I've been in a fog all day. I know I'm supposed to be happy that I have lived to see another day but sometimes I feel like I don't even want that anymore. Mostly it's just passing thoughts. And I feel bad for feeling this way because there are people going through worse things than me. I'm wasting my life but at least I'm still alive. I'm fat which means I always have plenty to eat. I have a roof over my head even though sometimes I would rather be on the streets. As gloomy as I am right now, I've always been a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person and I hope that I always will be. I guess right now my roses are wilted.
That's the second line in the Mother Teresa quote.
Lately there's been a lot of ugly in my life. But I do try to enjoy the beauty. I dream of being a photographer. I often look around at things and try to imagine taking gorgeous pictures. Things like trees, flowers, the sky. I look at my daughter a lot too. She's the most beautiful thing in my life. I've also witnessed the beauty of new life recently. My cat just had kittens a day or two ago. I've never been that close to a newborn animal. They are so precious.
Life is supposed to be a beautiful thing but recently I've had a lot to bring me down. I've always had issues in my relationship. But these last few days have been rough on me. I won't go into detail about what's going on but it's basically leaving me feeling worthless and unmotivated. Instead of having someone hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok, I get put down even more. I'm so confused and sad (more like downright depressed but I'm not gonna diagnose myself). I don't know why it's this bad this time around. I guess when it happens so often it eventually wears you down until you just can't take it anymore. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. I've been in a fog all day. I know I'm supposed to be happy that I have lived to see another day but sometimes I feel like I don't even want that anymore. Mostly it's just passing thoughts. And I feel bad for feeling this way because there are people going through worse things than me. I'm wasting my life but at least I'm still alive. I'm fat which means I always have plenty to eat. I have a roof over my head even though sometimes I would rather be on the streets. As gloomy as I am right now, I've always been a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person and I hope that I always will be. I guess right now my roses are wilted.
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