It's been awhile and I know I need to be on the next line, "Life is a duty, complete it" but I need to go back to "Life is a challenge".
Apparently it is damn near impossible for me to find a job because I am a mom. I have missed several opportunities of work because the hours doesn't work around my schedule with Izzy. If I were a selfish person I would ask her dad to change jobs so I could work the shifts that are offered to me. But I'm not, I've always let other people come before myself. I am not as important as everyone else around me. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. That is my place in life and probably always will be.
And while we're on the subject of challenges, let me talk a minute about this weight loss. I am trying my best to do this on my own but I am too weak. A few weeks ago I had an opportunity to audition for The Biggest Loser and missed out on it because, again, I was worried about other people. I could send in a video, if I haven't missed the deadline. But have I got around to doing that? No. I need to change. I want to change. People say if you want something bad enough you will do what you can to get it. Apparently I'm the exception. I want things badly, so badly that it makes me cry. And yet still I haven't obtained those things.
Life craps on me everyday. And everyday I think tomorrow will be better. So I wait. And I wait. But tomorrow hasn't come yet.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Life is a challenge, meet it.
So I got a little slack on doing these blog post. In case anyone is following along (yeah right) or is new to reading my posts, here is a refresher. I am trying to be more positive in my life and have found this wonderful quote from Mother Teresa. So basically I am taking each line and writing about my experiences/goals/thoughts/etc on them. Today I am on the fourth line. Life is a challenge, meet it.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
There have been many challenges in my life, especially the last few years. I had Izzy while I was going to Gaston College. This is why it took me 3 years to finish a 2 year degree. Since then, I have done nothing with it. Work has been a challenge for me. I've worked retail before and it's not so bad. However I have issues with social anxiety. It's not officially diagnosed but it's pretty darn obvious that I have it. I'm not good at handling confrontation. I don't always know what to say to an irate customer. And if I made a mistake at the expense of a customer, well I just don't want to think about that (major anxiety). This is also why I can't work in the food industry.
So, there's warehouse work, which I very much enjoy. I like being behind the scenes. The problem there is that something always seems to happen that leads to me having to quit. Like my most favorite job, Hanesbrands. I loved that job but it was second shift, so when Izzy started school, I quit. I couldn't stand the idea of her being at school all day and then me going to work all evening when she's home. Plus I would have had to find someone to pick her up. I don't have a lot of options there. And then there's my last job at Actavis. This was a great job. And it was 3rd shift so it seemed it was gonna work out well for me. No need for a babysitter (just a very sleepy Jadah). But then Izzy's dad had to go and lose his job then find another working 2nd shift (which was more like 3rd because he worked 12 hours a lot). Well, that wasn't gonna work because I didn't want to have to leave Izzy with someone every night, especially with school starting back up. So here I am, jobless again.
Like I said, I don't like confrontation so I ended up leaving those jobs in a not so professional way. This combined with the short time periods of work, make for a crappy resume. So I tried my hand at self-employment. I made flyers for tutoring and I thought for sure it was gonna work. These flyers looked amazing. But, no such luck. And since I'm babysitting, there's not much time in there for tutoring anyways. So, I tried Avon. I've done okay with it so far but I don't have a very big network besides family so it's tough to get started. Plus, no one seems to want to help a poor mother out. So, my latest venture is crochet. I'm pretty good at it and think I can get better. But it's slow to start as well. But if I stick with it, I think I can make it work. People like handmade things. But that's still not gonna be enough to live off of. Now I need to decide if I want to work fulltime and possibly have to find someone to take/pick Izzy up from school or find something I can work while Izzy is at school (but that's not a lot of hours).
I guess it's safe to say that work/money is my biggest challenge in life. And boy is it a big one. It doesn't help that I'm stubborn. I don't want to ask for help. I've already gotten help from my parents and I feel just awful for it. I know they don't mind. I know it probably makes them feel good that they're able to help their kids out. But I just hate having to ask. I'm 26 years old, I should have things mostly figured out by now. Maybe if five years ago I would have decided to end this bad relationship, I would have had some things figured out. But no, I'm stubborn and stuck with it thinking things would get better. Guess what, they didn't. That was a lesson learned the hard way. But again, I am stuck because of the whole finding a job thing and the being too stubborn to ask for help thing.
Well this was not a positive post at all so let's try to fix that. This year (oh no a resolution), I will do everything I can to make my life better. I will not give up until I am happy (or at least happier) with my life. I'm a good person and I know I deserve better than what I've got going on now. I won't blame another person's mistreatment of me for being the cause of my laziness and procrastination. It's my life, I should choose the way I want it to be. I will no longer waste my days away waiting for something better to come to me. I will make it happen!
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
There have been many challenges in my life, especially the last few years. I had Izzy while I was going to Gaston College. This is why it took me 3 years to finish a 2 year degree. Since then, I have done nothing with it. Work has been a challenge for me. I've worked retail before and it's not so bad. However I have issues with social anxiety. It's not officially diagnosed but it's pretty darn obvious that I have it. I'm not good at handling confrontation. I don't always know what to say to an irate customer. And if I made a mistake at the expense of a customer, well I just don't want to think about that (major anxiety). This is also why I can't work in the food industry.
So, there's warehouse work, which I very much enjoy. I like being behind the scenes. The problem there is that something always seems to happen that leads to me having to quit. Like my most favorite job, Hanesbrands. I loved that job but it was second shift, so when Izzy started school, I quit. I couldn't stand the idea of her being at school all day and then me going to work all evening when she's home. Plus I would have had to find someone to pick her up. I don't have a lot of options there. And then there's my last job at Actavis. This was a great job. And it was 3rd shift so it seemed it was gonna work out well for me. No need for a babysitter (just a very sleepy Jadah). But then Izzy's dad had to go and lose his job then find another working 2nd shift (which was more like 3rd because he worked 12 hours a lot). Well, that wasn't gonna work because I didn't want to have to leave Izzy with someone every night, especially with school starting back up. So here I am, jobless again.
Like I said, I don't like confrontation so I ended up leaving those jobs in a not so professional way. This combined with the short time periods of work, make for a crappy resume. So I tried my hand at self-employment. I made flyers for tutoring and I thought for sure it was gonna work. These flyers looked amazing. But, no such luck. And since I'm babysitting, there's not much time in there for tutoring anyways. So, I tried Avon. I've done okay with it so far but I don't have a very big network besides family so it's tough to get started. Plus, no one seems to want to help a poor mother out. So, my latest venture is crochet. I'm pretty good at it and think I can get better. But it's slow to start as well. But if I stick with it, I think I can make it work. People like handmade things. But that's still not gonna be enough to live off of. Now I need to decide if I want to work fulltime and possibly have to find someone to take/pick Izzy up from school or find something I can work while Izzy is at school (but that's not a lot of hours).
I guess it's safe to say that work/money is my biggest challenge in life. And boy is it a big one. It doesn't help that I'm stubborn. I don't want to ask for help. I've already gotten help from my parents and I feel just awful for it. I know they don't mind. I know it probably makes them feel good that they're able to help their kids out. But I just hate having to ask. I'm 26 years old, I should have things mostly figured out by now. Maybe if five years ago I would have decided to end this bad relationship, I would have had some things figured out. But no, I'm stubborn and stuck with it thinking things would get better. Guess what, they didn't. That was a lesson learned the hard way. But again, I am stuck because of the whole finding a job thing and the being too stubborn to ask for help thing.
Well this was not a positive post at all so let's try to fix that. This year (oh no a resolution), I will do everything I can to make my life better. I will not give up until I am happy (or at least happier) with my life. I'm a good person and I know I deserve better than what I've got going on now. I won't blame another person's mistreatment of me for being the cause of my laziness and procrastination. It's my life, I should choose the way I want it to be. I will no longer waste my days away waiting for something better to come to me. I will make it happen!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a dream, realize it. This line is important to me. I'm a big fan of dreams. Night and day. I almost always have crazy, random, weird dreams at night. Lately I've had a little trouble remembering them I think because I'm always being jolted out of sleep by an alarm in the morning. But I really need to keep a notebook by the bed so I can write down what I remember. Some of these dreams would be a great start to a good book. And it is my dream to be a writer. I also daydream a lot. I imagine different scenarios of things I would like to happen. I suppose those would be a good way to start a book as well.
I have other dreams (goals) as well. I want to be a teacher, photographer, master crafter. Yes I have lots of dreams. The problem is that I haven't realized any of those dreams. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a place where I'm close to obtaining my goals but I can't seem to move forward any further. I'm letting things hold me back and I know I shouldn't. I usually get these burst of motivation and I start getting things figured out and I think I'm finally gonna get to where I want to be but then I'm usually stuck waiting for something. For example, I've started my application for UNC-Charlotte but I can't complete it at the moment. For some reason, even though I'm 26 and haven't lived with my parents for 5 years, the application asks for their information. So I'm waiting to get all that info together. Of course I'm only waiting because of my own procrastination. But I know once I get the application done I will again have to wait until I have the money for the application fee. I'm not sure what it is now but I'm guessing more than $50 since that's what it was a few years ago when I was going to apply. I don't why I let something as simple as applying to college get me overwhelmed. But that's just how I am. Always sweating the small stuff.
When I was younger and dreaming about what I wanted for my life, I never dreamed I would be where I am now: 26 years old, out of high school for 9 years and all I have to show for it is an AA degree and no job. I guess the only dream I have realized is having a child. But even that isn't exactly what I expected. I always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids and I didn't want a huge age gap. But my kid is 5 years (and 3 months) old and I don't see any babies in my immediate future. I still want more kids, I just can't justify having one right now , with the state of my relationship. Plus, there's some things about myself that I need to work on.
So, if you're a young person reading this, learn from my mistakes. Don't put anything off. If you have dreams, follow them. Don't stop until you reach your goal. And even then, keep going. Update your goal. Always strive for something. It'll make life worth living. You will get discouraged, maybe many times. But keep going, you will get there if you keep trying.
I have other dreams (goals) as well. I want to be a teacher, photographer, master crafter. Yes I have lots of dreams. The problem is that I haven't realized any of those dreams. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at a place where I'm close to obtaining my goals but I can't seem to move forward any further. I'm letting things hold me back and I know I shouldn't. I usually get these burst of motivation and I start getting things figured out and I think I'm finally gonna get to where I want to be but then I'm usually stuck waiting for something. For example, I've started my application for UNC-Charlotte but I can't complete it at the moment. For some reason, even though I'm 26 and haven't lived with my parents for 5 years, the application asks for their information. So I'm waiting to get all that info together. Of course I'm only waiting because of my own procrastination. But I know once I get the application done I will again have to wait until I have the money for the application fee. I'm not sure what it is now but I'm guessing more than $50 since that's what it was a few years ago when I was going to apply. I don't why I let something as simple as applying to college get me overwhelmed. But that's just how I am. Always sweating the small stuff.
When I was younger and dreaming about what I wanted for my life, I never dreamed I would be where I am now: 26 years old, out of high school for 9 years and all I have to show for it is an AA degree and no job. I guess the only dream I have realized is having a child. But even that isn't exactly what I expected. I always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids and I didn't want a huge age gap. But my kid is 5 years (and 3 months) old and I don't see any babies in my immediate future. I still want more kids, I just can't justify having one right now , with the state of my relationship. Plus, there's some things about myself that I need to work on.
So, if you're a young person reading this, learn from my mistakes. Don't put anything off. If you have dreams, follow them. Don't stop until you reach your goal. And even then, keep going. Update your goal. Always strive for something. It'll make life worth living. You will get discouraged, maybe many times. But keep going, you will get there if you keep trying.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Life is beauty, admire it.
"Life is beauty, admire it"
That's the second line in the Mother Teresa quote.
Lately there's been a lot of ugly in my life. But I do try to enjoy the beauty. I dream of being a photographer. I often look around at things and try to imagine taking gorgeous pictures. Things like trees, flowers, the sky. I look at my daughter a lot too. She's the most beautiful thing in my life. I've also witnessed the beauty of new life recently. My cat just had kittens a day or two ago. I've never been that close to a newborn animal. They are so precious.
Life is supposed to be a beautiful thing but recently I've had a lot to bring me down. I've always had issues in my relationship. But these last few days have been rough on me. I won't go into detail about what's going on but it's basically leaving me feeling worthless and unmotivated. Instead of having someone hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok, I get put down even more. I'm so confused and sad (more like downright depressed but I'm not gonna diagnose myself). I don't know why it's this bad this time around. I guess when it happens so often it eventually wears you down until you just can't take it anymore. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. I've been in a fog all day. I know I'm supposed to be happy that I have lived to see another day but sometimes I feel like I don't even want that anymore. Mostly it's just passing thoughts. And I feel bad for feeling this way because there are people going through worse things than me. I'm wasting my life but at least I'm still alive. I'm fat which means I always have plenty to eat. I have a roof over my head even though sometimes I would rather be on the streets. As gloomy as I am right now, I've always been a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person and I hope that I always will be. I guess right now my roses are wilted.
That's the second line in the Mother Teresa quote.
Lately there's been a lot of ugly in my life. But I do try to enjoy the beauty. I dream of being a photographer. I often look around at things and try to imagine taking gorgeous pictures. Things like trees, flowers, the sky. I look at my daughter a lot too. She's the most beautiful thing in my life. I've also witnessed the beauty of new life recently. My cat just had kittens a day or two ago. I've never been that close to a newborn animal. They are so precious.
Life is supposed to be a beautiful thing but recently I've had a lot to bring me down. I've always had issues in my relationship. But these last few days have been rough on me. I won't go into detail about what's going on but it's basically leaving me feeling worthless and unmotivated. Instead of having someone hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok, I get put down even more. I'm so confused and sad (more like downright depressed but I'm not gonna diagnose myself). I don't know why it's this bad this time around. I guess when it happens so often it eventually wears you down until you just can't take it anymore. I don't even know if I'm making sense right now. I've been in a fog all day. I know I'm supposed to be happy that I have lived to see another day but sometimes I feel like I don't even want that anymore. Mostly it's just passing thoughts. And I feel bad for feeling this way because there are people going through worse things than me. I'm wasting my life but at least I'm still alive. I'm fat which means I always have plenty to eat. I have a roof over my head even though sometimes I would rather be on the streets. As gloomy as I am right now, I've always been a "stop and smell the roses" kind of person and I hope that I always will be. I guess right now my roses are wilted.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it
So I found this quote a while back and had planned on doing a series of blog posts on it. I wanted to take each line and write about how I relate to it or interpret it. I wanted to do this so I could get some practice in blogging on a regular basis. Well, I slacked off, as I often do, and never did anything with it. So now I want to attempt again.
Here's the quote:
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
And here's what I have to say about the first line, "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it"
I've had many opportunities come and go in my life. A lot of them I let slip by me. But a recent opportunity has come across and I am trying my best to get the most out of it. I have started working with a few students at an elementary school. My daughter's school has amazing volunteer program. They allow people to come in and help students who need a little extra attention. It is my goal to be a teacher so I felt this would be a great way to get a little experience working with students. I work with two fifth grade students who need help with reading. If you know me, you know I love to read. So I'm trying my best to get these kids excited about reading as well. It's a slow start but I am determined.
I have also recently decided to offer tutoring services locally. I figured since I'm not working (just doing a little babysitting) that I could make a little money tutoring. This will also give me the practice I need to get ready for teaching. Of course I have to finish school first and I have been a little slack on that. But I want to take advantage of this time I have and work towards my future goals.
The hardest thing for me is actually sticking with it. I volunteer at the school only 2 days and some mornings I find myself thinking of skipping out for the day. But then I realized I made a promise to the school and these students to do my best to help them. I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't stick with it. I'm also getting a little discouraged with the tutoring thing. I've made a flyer and advertised on Facebook and Craigslist but so far I have only had one person contact me. I know me, I'm not good at following through, especially when it doesn't go the way I want it to right away. But I am determined. I will keep reminding myself of what I'm working towards. Eventually I will get there. I will find the motivation.
When I really think about the opportunities I have available to me, I realize I am a lucky person. I have the means to make my life what I want it to be. Some people don't get that. I don't want to take that for granted.
Here's the quote:
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
And here's what I have to say about the first line, "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it"
I've had many opportunities come and go in my life. A lot of them I let slip by me. But a recent opportunity has come across and I am trying my best to get the most out of it. I have started working with a few students at an elementary school. My daughter's school has amazing volunteer program. They allow people to come in and help students who need a little extra attention. It is my goal to be a teacher so I felt this would be a great way to get a little experience working with students. I work with two fifth grade students who need help with reading. If you know me, you know I love to read. So I'm trying my best to get these kids excited about reading as well. It's a slow start but I am determined.
I have also recently decided to offer tutoring services locally. I figured since I'm not working (just doing a little babysitting) that I could make a little money tutoring. This will also give me the practice I need to get ready for teaching. Of course I have to finish school first and I have been a little slack on that. But I want to take advantage of this time I have and work towards my future goals.
The hardest thing for me is actually sticking with it. I volunteer at the school only 2 days and some mornings I find myself thinking of skipping out for the day. But then I realized I made a promise to the school and these students to do my best to help them. I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't stick with it. I'm also getting a little discouraged with the tutoring thing. I've made a flyer and advertised on Facebook and Craigslist but so far I have only had one person contact me. I know me, I'm not good at following through, especially when it doesn't go the way I want it to right away. But I am determined. I will keep reminding myself of what I'm working towards. Eventually I will get there. I will find the motivation.
When I really think about the opportunities I have available to me, I realize I am a lucky person. I have the means to make my life what I want it to be. Some people don't get that. I don't want to take that for granted.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
What I'd like to say
Yes, I love you, but I also love myself, and even though my ego isn't as important as you, the sanity of my heart and feelings are at risk when we collide, and I've already experienced too much pain to bare......---
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Not sure about my feelings
So I've been feeling some anxiety lately and depression. Some of it stems from.my feelings about my relationship. I know it wasn't the best decision for me. But it's what I felt I needed to do to help him. Yeah, I have again put someone elses feelings above my own. And the thing is, he doesn't seem to mind. I've told him more than once my reasons for coming back. And he's just selfish enough to be okay with that.
Back to the original topic. I think another reason for my anxiety and depression is the fact that I quit my job. I thought that I had a sure back up but it doesn't seem.that way anymore. So now if I ever did get up the nerve to leave again I wouldn't be able to. I can't leave without a job. The next time I leave it will be to my own place. I don't want to rely on anyone else. Just myself. I desperately need this independence.
Now that I've gotten that little bit of emotion off my chest I think I need to go to bed.
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